My Inner Demon
1. I am dead, and alive. Most people that have had a near death experience report traveling towards the light, floating above their body, and being one with the Universe. Some have indicated that they see people that have already passed on. At one time I made a pack with the Devil, sold him my soul for everlasting happiness. Not long after that deal I had a dream where I was watching my own funeral. I saw myself in the casket; it was open as I was being carried to my grave.
2. Ever since my death I have seen my worldly life from a viewpoint about three feet behind and three feet above my human body. I also see everything at various distances above the Earth and I am able to roam the Universe, but I have never encountered any other conscious entities while outside of my body. NASA astronauts and Air Force pilots have reported out of body experiences (OBE) when they have blacked out from a lack of oxygen to the brain, also anesthesiologists have talked to patients that have had OBE’s while unconscious. Our brains are either modeled after our Universe, or the Universe is model after our brains. The Big Bang Theory believes that everything originated from one small atom, or at least the same place, how about our bodies originating from two tiny cells that are still expanding (multiplying) until we are near death or dead. Then we move onto another plane of our existence.
3. I am dark, dangerous, evil monster pretending to be a screwed up human being.
I am almost always friendly and if anyone asks me to help them or do them a favor if it is when my power to do it, I will. On the other hand I would never ask anyone to help me.
4. I first attempted to kill myself when I was 16 or 17, I don’t even remember why I wanted to die. After that I made a mental pack with the Devil, all I wanted was happiness. That was it. Pretty much I was happy after that. Somewhere along the line I decided to break my contract, not a smart thing to try to do. I have had lots of problems since then.
5. I have had periods of happiness, or at least what I thought was happiness. At the time that I had made my pack, I had been into all kinds of spiritual types of study. The Occult, Wicca, Satanism, Transcendental Meditation, out of body experiences, and on and on. I am still interested in most of those topics.
6. I try very hard to make things happen by imagining it happening in my mind. I continue to have issues as to whether there is a God, Devil, Etc.
7. I find it so very hard to be optimistic about my future when the ones I love are all running away from the person I have become. What little sanity I had seems to have a mind of its own and leaves me at the slightest sign of trouble. I don’t cry much anymore, at least not from my relationships. I have been hurt so many times that part of me has learned how to deal with that pain. When people get drunk, they say the most hurtful things they can think of, the next day they take it back, but it is too late. The pain will always be there.
8. I lied about the crying, I am sobbing away right now but it isn’t all for me. I cry because the person I love so dearly is on a path to her own destruction and I have been unable to help her. I expect that she will die from a deadly mixture of pills and alcohol. I think I am doing more harm than good by staying with her so long. Maybe I am the reason she feels as she does and drinks to get away from me. She tells me this when she is really drunk. Oh well, we all have our demons.